Some things are just SCREAMING 2 be blogged about...

Look - I love my kid. I really fucking do. I just don't know if I can adjust 2 the idea of her growing up. Mostly becuz she hasn't grown up yet. Just her body has. 4 the most part she iz still dumb az a rock. U would never get her 2 admit this, of course, becuz at the moment she iz almost completely insane.

Take this latest relationship (I use the term loosly...) of hers. She met this kid Jeremy (nice enough kid I guess...) about a month ago while they were both dumpster diving or something and immediately these two idiots fall head over heels N2 this super serious relationship although neither of them acts like they actually want 2 be in it. It's fucking ridiculous. Normally I would just banish this kid 4 getting on Alli's nerves and further inflaming the situation 2 the point of it getting on my nerves, but he happens 2 get some KILLER fucking pot from his dad. It iz really hard 2 find a really cool pot connect, and I will put up with quite a bit 2 keep one a solid az this!

I mean...just take a fucking look at this kid, would U? Duz this look like someone who iz even capable of being that big of a pain in the ass? I don't think so either. I really have 2 believe that my kid iz the fucking problem! What do I base that on? Well...first of all the bitch iz crazy, and has been the entire time I have known her. That's right...she wuz crazy when she wuz three, she wuz crazy when she first went 2 jr. high school and the bitch iz still fucking crazy!

I suppose that some of that crazy iz my fault, but I'm not taking the rap 4 all of it, goddamnit. How the fuck are U gonna take a little Mexican baby and raise her az a fucking Italian and not cause some wires somewhere 2 get crossed up? It really duzn't make any sense. Think about it. But, let's just say 4 the sake of argument that no one knew that she wuz Mexican when her dad bailed. Dontcha think the normal person would begin 2 wonder when other Mexican families started 2 reach out 2 this hispanic princess and try 2 draw her N2 thier culture? How many fucking white kids do U know that have a quiencinera? Not 2 many I'm guessing...

U Would Think That I Would Know Better, Huh?

Especially when U consider the sheer number of times I have been through this very

thing! U would think that by now I would have figured out that it may not be such a good idea 2 allow people who know me 2 read my blog. They may get the wrong impression. Then again...they may get the right one, which, truth be told, izn't much better.

Or...hey! Here's a fresh, new idea! Maybe whenever I meet some new chick, how about I don't go on 4 a week about what a nice ass I think she has and how much I would like 2 stick my tongue up it. OK - maybe I didn't say that last part and it iz just az well becuz had I said some shit like that there would be no way out of this mess.

There iz barely a way out az it iz, so I don't think it iz a very good idea 2 fuck with the Gods on this one. But, believe it or not, there iz a way out of this pickle I seem 2 have gotten myself N2. All I have 2 do iz claim insanity and then I cannot be held responsible 4 my actions! OK - they already knew I wuz nuts going N2 it, so that won't work. Or how about this? We say it wuzn't me at all, but my EVIL TWIN who somehow managed 2 procure pictures of her ass then log on2 my blog and upload them. The police are looking 4 this bastard even az we speak...

Maybe what I should do iz just learn from this mistake and become both a better person and a better blogger becuz of it. Just becuz I have the ability 2 show someone's ass on my blog duzn't necessarily give me the right 2 show it, duz it? I mean, along with the freedom this medium brings me 2 express myself comes a responsibility 2 maintain some sense of decorum 4 the sakes of both those I might be picking on and those who are un4tunate enough 2 end up having 2 read the fucking thing.

Becuz whether I choose 2 believe it or not there will be those who stop in and read this drivel that I post from time 2 time, and some of those people may even come back (assuming they caught me on a good day and I made them smile) 2 see what else I have 2 offer them in the way of entertainment. It iz actually 4 those sorry fuckers that I strive 2 improve at all.

Cuz let's fucking face it. I can't do anything 4 U people. U have already seen the fucking thing at it's absolute, rock-bottom, can't get no lower than it iz already worst. And U know what? U keep coming back (unless, of course, this iz Ur first visit, in which case I don't expect 2 ever hear from U again...) despite my obvious attempts 2 keep U away. That means I gotta be at least a little bit talented. Just a little bit worth checking out every once in awhile...not much more. Just a little bit...

A Public Apology...

It turns out that I owe an apology 2 a lovely young woman who deserves far better treatment than anyone has yet given her. I am, of course, talking about Ms. Britney Spears. Ms. Spears iz (and has been 4 quite some time) a dynamic ENTERTAINMENT ICON who has proven herself 2 be the entire package. She can dance...she can sing...she can act...a real triple threat, and she aint 2 bad 2 look at either! We watched az she grew up right B4 our eyes...amazed by her talent...dazzled by her beauty.

We watched az she struggled her way N2 womanhood, having a very public relationship with Justin Timberlake and a short marraige 2 a childhood friend. Then she married some loser named Kevin Federline. He's some white boy who acts like he iz ghetto. The kind that regularly gets on my fucking nerves. We watched az these two idiots quickly reproduced and popped out two little ones.

We watched az her marraige fell apart. We looked on az she lost her fucking mind and started hanging out with Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan and fucking up on a regular. We watched az she tried 2 escape the paparazzi and in doing so endangered one of her little ones.

We watched az she continued 2 make increasingly worse decisions, and we watched az she wuz arrested 4 DUI. We kept our eyes on her az she struggled her way through rehab (it didn't quite take) and then right back out on 2 the LA party scene. We watched az she ignored the courts and we watched az she lost her children 2 that fucking idiot Federline.

We looked on az she bounced her way out of rehab a few more times and we watched az she shaved her head in protest of being a famous fucking idiot, I guess. Then we watched az she lost her mind and wuz carted off 2 the fucking looney bin.

I don't know about U, but I think we ought 2 be ashamed of ourselves on this one. Have we learned nothing from the tragedy of Princess Diana's death? We hound these celebrities...these people...2 a level which drives them fucking insane! Where do we draw the fucking line?

And hasn't it already been crossed?

What's The Deal With All This Internet Porn?

I fucking LOVE porn. There's something about a bitch who iz totally willing 2 take her clothes off and take pictures that just makes me all giddy inside. Cuz not every bitch will do this. Some bitches won't even get naked with a motherfucker in daylight. It's crazy.

Becuz it really iz a lot more about how a bitch feels about herself than it iz about how a bitch looks. Of course, there are exceptions 2 every rule. This bitch here iz definitly what U would call an exception. Actually, Sasquatch iz what U can call this bitch right here. How the fuck can she not know she iz that fucking ugly, and if she duz know then why don't she get with using some fucking Nair or some shit? There really iz no excuse 4 some fucked up shit like this right here. Furthermore, I have no excuse 4 finding the shit and reposting it here 4 all 2 see. That wuz wrong of me. I really should know better, huh? This other bitch iz kinda cool, though. She iz a big motherfucker, true. She iz definitely big. Yep...that's 4 damned sure...I mean, she's cool. Just don't get between her and a Whopper cuz U will get hurt playing around like that!

4tunately, not all internet porn iz az disgusting az that shit wuz. Some of it could even pass az art if it had 2 (U know...Ur fiance' iz all, "WTF do U need pictures of naked bitches 4?" and Ur like, "Fuck, bitch, this shit iz art! U ain't never heard of culture, motherfucker?" It won't work, but fuck it (it always comes back 2 buttfucking with me. What's that all about?), it's worth a shot, right? Pretty soon shit will get all hot and heavy and not 2 long after that the bitch will want 2 move in and shit. That's when the glorious nudes U have displayed with such reverence will be torn from the walls and replaced with Ansel Adams posters she got from the mall and Just Hang In There, Baby kitty posters she stole from work.

Bitches need 2 understand that we az men NEED pictures of naked women just 2 survive in this motherfucker! Shit, it really wouldn't surpirse me if taking naked pictures of bitches iz why George Eastman invented this motherfucker 2 begin with. Even if it wuzn't the driving fucking force behind it, I know it didn't take 2 long 2 figure out there wuz a market 4 porn out there. But, az difficult az it iz 2 get a bitch 2 drop her britches in front of the camera in this day and age, just imagine how hard it wuz back when bitches weren't even allowed 2 show their ankles without being called "hussy" or "tramp"? It must have been a motherfucker 2 find photo hos back then!

Thank God we don't have 2 deal with that shit nowadays! Hell...in 2daze cyber-savvy world it iz hard 2 find a bitch who will keep her goddamn clothes on 4 10 minutes. "Hi, my name iz Tempest. Wanna go private so I can show U my bush?" The shit iz everywhere. U can't even meet a chick online who will cam-2-cam with a motherfucker 4 free anymore. Not that I blame them. If I had guys jerking off in front of their computer screens 2 my picture U can bet Ur ass I'd be getting paid 2!

Maybe that's what I oughta do. I can talk 2 the fucking queers all day long if their fucking paying me 2 do it! "Yeah, yeah, I'm licking Ur balls. Whatever U say, buddy. Give it 2 me...deeper...ram it on home there, chief." The conversation ain't finna do it 4 me, but U better believe that the $2.99 a fucking minute probably will. Becuz what it all boils down 2 iz that I am a whore...plain and simple. If U don't believe me just come across with $150 and I'll prove it...