Fedex, Pies and Christina Applegate...

I'm gonna tell U a story

Chock full of lies and bullshit.

I'm not going 2 ask U 2 believe it..

But I don't think U will ever 4get it!

I wuz chillin at a local motel
Sippin on some ghetto bubbly

And thinking 2 myself, "What the hell?"

Why shouldn't I go buck wild up in this piece?

That's when...

Right about then..

I peeped outside
And seen the police!

They wuz here

They wuz there!

They wuz damned near every fucking where!

I swear...

They even had one in the air!

It must be a fucking raid!!

Cuz there is cops everywhere!

I'm not trying 2 be all super paranoid

But these are the very motherfuckers

I'm always trying 2 avoid

That's when I took a deep breath
2 help gather my wits

Then made a break 4 it

And got the fuck up out this bitch!

I wuz quiet...

I wuz stealthy...

I wouldn't mind

if I wuz independently wealthy

I did what I had 2 on that ill-fated day

Cuz all U can count on in this life

Is death...

Taxes...

And shit rarely going Ur way.

On N2 the night went my great escape

Until finally I reached out 2 fly!!!

Don't worry about me

The doctors all agree

It won't be 2 long B4 I'm alright!

As U sit and consider this tale of woe I have told

There is a thing or two U may want 2 know

It's really kinda funny...
Cuz I thought we wuz being raided 4 sho
But it turned out...2 my suprise
The spot where we'd been kickin it all this time...
U know...B4 I went all berzerk?

Well...that spot...as it turns out
Is right up the fucking street

From where the cocksuckers
Go 2 work!

Don't fucking ask me 4 shit...

U really don't even want 2 know what the fuck is going on here. I mean, no fucking shit, man! I look like the Devil's spawn...or at least a middle aged stoner with a digital camera and WAYYYYY 2 much time on his hands. This just goes 2 show U that if U put a grown man's hair in pigtails, someone will take a fucking picture of it and publish it 2 the web 2 clown him proper...even if he has 2 do it himself!!! The red shit represents Mars. I'm lying. I just made that shit up about mars. What the picture really is is a photo of myself taken at the moment just after being told Amber wuz coming over 2 my room! Oh no she didn't! U better get your shit 2gether and do it quick or U will figure out some way 2 fuck everything up from the get. I have trouble understanding how U can be both goofy and stupid at the same time. Toss in just a dash of scandalous behavior and a shitload of dope and what U got is Dumbass Amber. She's one of those people...U know the ones...

Right now I am waiting for this other chick I met recently 2 come over here and talk 2 me about a business proposal. She tried 2nite 2 help make me some money, but it didn't work out. This new one is named CLASSIFIED. I think it is probably best 2 keep it that way.

I don't know for sure, but I think I may be staying here in Sac (guess that means I should stop talking so much shit, huh?) instead of moving 2 the Bay Area. That really sucks , cuz I wuz liking it there 2. The weather, the mood the overall urban feeling the whole area puts out. Besides, I never got 2 go see the Giants, goddamnit!

Here we have an example of another of my obsessions - sex in public. Flashing also does it 4 me, I suppose. Oddly enough, I don't have a big interest in peeping. Upskirts...all that shit just doesn't do it 4 me. But give me a naked blonde in a phonebooth and by god it is on!

Busted Flat in Baton Rouge and Waiting 2 explain...

It may not be Louisiana, but fuck it, close enough...I took this pic earlier and now I am wondering if I took a picture of an angel? Well, besides myself, I mean...

I have been thinking about what I want 4 my birthday. I know that I want 2 have a party, but I really don't want 2 have it until the 2nd - that's the 1st Saturday after I turn 40. Wow, I'm fucking turning 40. Trippy...

Which brings us right 2 my next subject. What do I want 4 my birthday? Hmmm...certainly bears some thinking about, doesn't it? I don't really think I want stuff this year. First of all, I don't fucking have anywhere 2 put stuff. Second, there is some shit that If I don't do it soon it'll kill me when I finally do get around 2 it! Might as well start getting some of that knocked out, right?...

I kinda would like 2 have some sort of naked party. Maybe get 3 or 4 girls and play Twister or better yet...Spin the Bottle! Spin the Bottle would be off the fucking hook with the right crowd! It's just a matter of getting the right crowd 2gether...

I finally got my other site up and running. I have 2 warn U though...I intend 2 pull no punches. If U don't want 2 know some things about me or what I do or what I would like 2 do then I suggest U DO NOT visit this link. RicksotherfkgBlog is officially up and running though. Enter at Ur own risk and don't bitch about what U find!...

I think I will ask her 2 throw me a little 2 do B4 my actual party. Maybe she can even find it in her heart 2 let me do something I have always wanted 2 do...I'm kinda hoping I can get her 2 let me fulfill my taste test fantasy!!! Her and 3 or 4 friends...sounds like a party 2 me, let me tell U!

I am hoping 2 use my new site 4 mostly artsy shit, with a dash of insanity thrown in 4 good measure. I am also pulling EVERYONE'S fucking card. If I've got dirt on U, expect 2 find it published there. If I know something about someone - it's going N2 the RicksotherfkgBlog. I'm not trying 2 hear shit about censorship or keeping a low profile or any of that shit. I'm going underground with this motherfucker...

Holy shit! I saw this chick on CL earlier and I wuz blown back. Talk about off the fucking chain! I don't even need 2 fuck her...I just want to use her 4 modeling. Ok, I take that back. I want 2 fuck her 1st, then use her 4 modeling! At least I am being honest, right?

I am so totally not expecting her 2 let me do any of this shit. I would be cool with someone like this 2, U know? I'm really not locked N2 anything on this subject. Whatever's clever works 4 me. Even if nothing pops off this year, that'll be ok 2. Just so long as the one person I won't mention by name and cannot under any circumstances post a picture of is there I will be right as rain. All the rest is just frosting on the cake...

THE LOWDOWN FROM DOWN 'ROUN

It appears that Alexandria has weathered the storm after all. She managed 2 take Jessica's boyfriend without much of a fight. That really suprised me. I figured Jess would be done with the BF, but I figured that she would at least serve Ali some grief behind all of this shit. But as of publication she is 2gether with Will and Jessica and Colton are both single, I think. Although the newest hubub going round down here is that Colton is going 2 run back N2 the arms of Misty, his ex. The implications are obvious. All this time they managed 2 keep the fact that Misty is a dude a fucking secret. But at least now he is finally in a homosexual relationship, and that is one step closer 2 being out of the closet. U go girl!...

When I say SaCRAPmento sucks, that's pretty much what I mean...

Guess who probably won't be making it out of here and back 2 the Bay, after all. That kinda sucks, but life is like that sometimes. I could bitch and moan about it, or I can say fuck it and go get a job. I need a yob, man...Can I gets a yob?

So, let me give U the lowdown from Down 'roun. I like that. I do believe I just came up with a name 4 a recurring segment. My God! This is becoming more and more like a real fucking magazine every day. Pretty soon I will be able 2 publish it monthly on shiny paper, and then 3 fantastic looking women (My lovely wife and two clones, obviously!) will blow me well N2 my seventies...

THE LOWDOWN FROM DOWN 'ROUN

My lovely daughter Alex (see pic on right) has been up 2 no good. She skeezed away her best friend's man over the last couple of daze, and Jessica (see pic on left) found out about it 2nite. I think my kid wuz thinking the wind wuz blowing in an entirely different direction than it turned out 2 be...I tried 2 tell her NEVER listen 2 what these fucking little bastards try 2 holla at her, but she won't fucking listen 2 me instead. Ain't that a fucking bitch? So, it looks like Jessica hates Alex now, and the boyfriend is going 2 stay put (suprise! Did I get U? No?), and hopefully my kid just learned a valuble lesson about shitting in her own back yard. Eventually U are going 2 step in it.

Nevermind the fact that her behavior has been disgustingly similar 2 that of everyone's favorite hooker 2 hate - that's right...Promyse69. I hate even thinking that my kid could be anything like her and I am hoping that this teaches her a thing or two. Mostly I just hope she learns 2 listen 2 me. There are no fucking Prince Charmings. Men are all fucking liars and bastards and she just isn't going 2 be lucky enough 2 get one that wuz somehow miraculously different and didn't act like ALL OF THE REST OF THEM ON THE FUCKING PLANET!!! Listen2 me now and believe me later -

Men are fucking pigs.

Men are fucking stupid.

They will fuck anything.

They will even fuck eachother if U lock them up long enough.

These are truths. The sooner she learns 2 deal with that the sooner her lovelife will become fun...

I'm not even trying 2 imply that Jess is in any way better than my kid. My kid is the fucking BOMB! I just wanted 2 point out the fact that she didn't stand much of a chance against the beast. The 16 year-old human male (bastardicus motherfuckerus) is very convincing whenever stalking his prey, and often has the hapless female (dumbassicus dramaticus) believing he is the one member of his species whose testosterone soaked brain isn't half starved whenever he gets aroused, but once that pressure has been relieved he rarely leaves the comfort of the original female (girlfriendicus originicus). God forbid that bastardicus motherfuckerus actually be packing a little something something in the old tidy whities - then Ur lucky if getting aroused doesn't just cause him 2 black out or some shit like that! It is certainly true that the larger the penis, the dumber the behavior (4 all U haters out there who have been asking me 2 explain Tonia 4 the last 20 years...there U go!). Don't 4get 2 read chapters 5-9 of Ur Latin 4 Crackheads textbook 2nite when U get home. U will be tested on this material. U should do all right, after all. I mean, U've been testing my nerves long enough U should have the hang of it by now, right?

OW...ow...ow...ow...fucking ow!!!!

I have a goddamned toothache. I believe it is an exposed nerve. As U can see, I have circled the problem area in the photo on the left. Doesn't seem like it should be giving me the problem it has been, that's 4 sure!

I am about 2 go see if my Aunt Sharon is at work. If she is, I am hoping 2 get some pain killer from her 4 this shit. I mean...It is really unbelievably painful. I'd take it in the ass 4 some ambesol, right now. Fuck, I'd probably take it in the ass just 2 get my mind off of how badly this shit hurts. FUCK!

So, Alexandria's (that's her there on the right. Chill out, dickheads...she's only 14!) dickhead father did it again yesterday. This fucking jerk-off hasn't learned shit about this kid in the last 14 years, let me tell U! The stupid motherfucker got mad at her mother one time when Alex was maybe 5 or 6, so he tells her, " U don't have a father anymore. Thank Ur mother." Like that could be anyone's fault but his. He was out of her life then 4 maybe 6 or 7 months, then U know who let him back in again. I don't give a fuck whether or not he had anything 2 do with this child's conception, all he has attempted since is 2 try and fuck her off in one fashion or another!

Here on the left U see a picture of my oldest daughter, who just so happens 2 be the current Miss Placer County! I just wanted 2 drop this pic on here...

Oh yeah...this is still the fucking valley, huh?

So, I heard that SaCRAPmento wuz going 2 be having 14 consecutive days of 100+ heat and I thought 2 myself...there's just no way I can miss any of that! That would explain what the fuck I am doing still here, wouldn't it?

As it turns out, I'm not in a very good mood 2day. I have one hell of a tooth ache, and I am fucking STARVING 2 death here...stuck in a hotel room with no fucking transportation and no money. This sucks balls. I have even been considering going out and panhandling 2 get enough 2 buy something 2 eat. I'm not going 2 though...much as I would like 2...

Luckily the hotel we happen 2 be staying at offers a free breakfast, beginning at 5am. That means I only need starve 4 a few more hours! Isn't that just wonderful? I thought so...

I've been considering starting another of these stupid things. It would be strictly a creative outlet, were I 2 decide 2 do such a thing. I dunno, probably just a waste of time anyway. Like anyone reads the one I already post...

If I do make it, I'm goig to call it RicksotherfkgBlog. It will be a creative outlet, 4 the most part. It will also be a place where I can let my balls out if I want (so all U relatives and other assorted weaklings bear in mind...U hit that link U gets what U came 4...