Cast of Characters
The President – George Bush
The Vice President – Dick Cheney
Secretary of State – Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of Defense – Robert M. Gates
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff – Gen. Peter Pace
OUR STORY SO FAR:
America’s most feared enemy. Al Qaeda has struck at the very heart of the nation. The public is demanding something be done as soon as possible, so the haliburton boys gather in the oval office of their clubhouse 2 discuss just how they are going 2 capture terrorist mastermind osama bin laden.
Scene opens with the president and his top advisors gather in the Oval Office 2 discuss strategy. The V.P. is cleaning his ten-guage, the SecDef is nodding off in his chair and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs is trying 2 look up The SecState’s skirt.
Pres: Have U got some good news 4 me, Bob?
SecDef: (Snapping awake with a jolt) Huh…wha? (he wipes the drool from his chin) What wuz that?
Pres: News…from Afghanistan…U know…the war? Have U got any news 4 me? Tell me we finally caught that sonofabitch, Bin Laden!
SecDef: Ummm…yeah...well, about that... (he begins shuffling through some papers on his lap) There wuz something. Hmmm…where did I put that intel report I got from the C.I.A.? Ah hah! (he holds it up over his head triumphantly) Here it is right here! I knew I had it!
VP: Good! Now what does it say?
SecState: Why don’t U just back off and let the man do his job, Dick?
VP: Why don’t U go fuck Urself, whore?
SecState: Oh my God! Did U hear…
Pres: (cutting her off) So what does it say, Bob?
SecDef: (he shuffles some papers) Just a sec…yes. Well, Mr. President. According 2 our most recent intelligence estimates Osama Bin Laden is hiding somewhere in the caves of Tora Bora.
VP: Good…good! Let’s go get that bastard! We can send the whore here in first 2 distract them…
SecDef: I’m afraid it isn’t going 2 be that easy, sir.
Chairman: We could always send him out hunting with Dickie boy here.
VP: (positions himself so that the rifle barrel is pointing at the Chairman) Better watch Urself, General. I’d hate 2 see anything unforseen 2 happen…
Chairman: I heard about what happened 2 the Secretary of Labor on Ur little hunting trip, Cheney! I’m not ascared of U! I have my people watching U twenty-four seven, U sick fuck!
VP: (2 the President) Oh my God…his people! Did U hear that Georgie? The new guy has people now! (back 2 Chairman) Did Ur people tell U I’ve been here 4 the last six fucking years? U yellow-bellied little fuck…
Pres: Ok…ok, calm down, Dick, B4 U give Urself another heart attack. Let’s get back 2 the subject…Bob?
SecDef: Yes, Sir?
Pres: I believe I heard U say something about…Tora Bora? Is that what I heard, Bob?
SecDef: Yes, sir. We have credible sightings from several different sources…
Pres: U know what this reminds me of?
SecDef: (stopping mid-sentence) what’s that, sir?
Pres: That movie, Tora! Tora! Tora! U ever see that one?
SecDef: I don’t believe so, sir?
Chairman: Great fucking movie!
Pres: (nodding in Chairman’s direction) Oh, yeah. It’s about when the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor, right? And it’s got that one chinaman actor in it…I don’t know his name, but he wuz in that show Quincy.
SecState: (filing her nails) Robert Ito
Pres: (he waves at her dismissively) Yeah…whatever. U gotta go get it from Blockbuster right away.
SecDef: I will do that, sir. Now, back 2 the report…
Pres: That wuzn’t a suggestion. son. I’m from Texas. The only thing we Texans suggest is U stay the hell out of Texas. That wuz an order. I want 2 watch that movie. Go get it 4 me.
SecDef: Right in the middle of the meeting?
Chairman: (sitting upright suddenly) Oooh! Can we get The Deer Hunter at the same time? I’ve been wanting 2 see that again 4 awhile and just never think about it when I’m at the video store.
SecState: (pantomines that she is spinning the cylinder on a pistol and snapping it shut. She then pretends 2 be handing the pistol 2 Chairman) Mao! Mao!
Chairman: (points at SecState) That motherfucker should have quit while he wuz ahead.
SecState: Word.
VP: (2 SecState) What…are U sucking his balls now? (2 Chairman) Is she fucking U? How long has she been fucking U?
Chairman: (looking at rifle in VP’s hand) Um…well…I…
SecState: Jesus, Dick…U need 2 get over it. So U, me and Ehud Olmert had a little fun 2gether during the last round of the peace talks…so what? U don’t see him calling me up freaking out, do U? (2 Chairman under her breath) Probably cuz he still can’t talk! I tore that old man up!
VP: (he starts breathing heavily) I should have shot U when I had the chance, U fucking cunt!
SecState: Well, maybe so…but ya didn’t. Sucks 2 be U right now! (she tosses emory board N2 her purse and pulls out her cellular phone and starts scrolling through her contacts) I wonder what Hillary is up 2? That bitch is crazy. I’m gonna call her! (She presses the button and holds the phone 2 her ear)
VP: I…should…have… (he clutches his chest and falls 2 the ground. The other rush 2 his aid)
SecState: (in background) Hello…Hill? What are U doing, U fucking bitch? Who do U think it is? U been keeping that man of Urs in line, girl? He aint been sniffing up my ass in a long time, I know that! Oh my God…It’s Conde! I said it’s Conde! (she looks up and says 2 no one in particular) U know what? I can’t hear shit on this phone. (she yells back N2 the phone) Let me call U back! My battery is about 2 go dead! (she hangs it up and tosses it back N2 her purse) Fuck that bitch and her sorry ass man. He got a little dick, anyways! (2 Chairman) Did U know that motherfucker has a little dick? (she notices VP 4 the first time) What’s wrong with him?
SecDef: He’s having a heart attack! Get some help!
SecState: Ain’t nothing wrong with him. Get up off the ground, U old fool! (she kicks VP) All U got is some gas. Now, get up…B4 someone sees Ur dumb ass.
The VP makes a strange rattling noise, starts trembling violently, then collapses and dies. The SecDef leans over 2 check his pulse.
SecDef: He’s dead.
Chairman: What? How did…
Pres: He’s dead? Did U just fucking say he wuz dead? Oh…shit! (he starts cleaning up around his desk) Oh, shit! There’s gonna be questions…I’m going 2 have 2 talk 2 Congress…and the press…Holy Fuck…Do U fucking know how much trouble I’m in? What the fuck am I gonna do? I knew I shoulda just stayed in Austin. Fucking Carl Rowe…help me clean this place up, will U?
SecState: Calm down, Mr. President, and let me handle this.
Pres: I think U’ve done quite enough. thank U very much!
SecState: How wuz I supposed 2 know he wuz gonna fucking die on me? Let me handle it, will U? I know a guy at the Post.
Pres: U know a guy at the Post?
SecState: I know a guy at the Post.
Pres: Can he get me Wizards tickets?
SecState: I don’t know...I’d have 2 ask him. But he can help me make this go away.
Pres: Ok…make the call.
WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney wuz rushed 2 Walter Reed General Hospital 2day after collapsing during a White House strategy session, and wuz later pronounced dead of an apparent heart attack. While no one is saying what strategies were being discussed at the time the Vice President fell ill, it is believed they were trying 2 solidify a plan 2 go N2 Western Afghanistan and capture the elusive leaders of Al Qaeda, including Osama Bin Laden, who remains at large despite an overwhelming US military presence in the region. The President, who wuz in Cleveland at the time of the Vice President’s attack, did not release a statement, but sources close 2 him are saying he misses Dick terribly.
Another year...another gear
I realize I haven't blogged here recently. I have been deeply involved in a disinformation campaign aimed at bringing down 
what I consider 2 be an illegal regime...the infant cartel. These people come N2 the world with a completely different set of priorities than the rest of us. If left unchecked this cancer shall surely spread...shall surely engulf us all!
what I consider 2 be an illegal regime...the infant cartel. These people come N2 the world with a completely different set of priorities than the rest of us. If left unchecked this cancer shall surely spread...shall surely engulf us all!We must work 2gether 2 stop this scourge that is raping our modern landscape B4 it is 2 late 4 us 2 stop them. B4 they continue on doing what they have been 
doing 4 thousands of years...replacing us - one by one! What's 2 stop them? And believe me...if we don't stop them in twenty years they won't be babies anymore...but young adults with opinions and motivations of thier own 2 force upon us!
doing 4 thousands of years...replacing us - one by one! What's 2 stop them? And believe me...if we don't stop them in twenty years they won't be babies anymore...but young adults with opinions and motivations of thier own 2 force upon us!And where will we be by then? I'll tell U where...we'll have been replaced, that's where! Our young 
and vibrant bodies will have been replaced with old, decrepid vessals which will undoubtedly be painful 2 use. All we have 2 look 4ward 2 is an existence fueled by social security checks and All-U-Can-Eat buffets. Our daze will be spent making doctor appontments and 4getting where we parked our cars. And sex??? 4get about it, my friends...that's a thing of the past!
and vibrant bodies will have been replaced with old, decrepid vessals which will undoubtedly be painful 2 use. All we have 2 look 4ward 2 is an existence fueled by social security checks and All-U-Can-Eat buffets. Our daze will be spent making doctor appontments and 4getting where we parked our cars. And sex??? 4get about it, my friends...that's a thing of the past!So, we must act quickly if we hope 2 stop these power mongers B4 it is 2 late 4 all of us. Why, even in the time it has taken 4 U 2 read this report, some babies have grown out of infancy. This older generation...better known as toddlers are led by a particularly viscious group known as The Terrible Twos. It is these renegades we must worry the most about. In their drive 4 complete attention they have 
been known 2 break family heirlooms and scream at the top of their lungs 4 hours at a time 4 no good reason. 4tunately, it is during this stage of their development that they are most vulnerable. They are easily distracted by Elmo, the Teletubbies and The Pokey Little Puppy. Use these weapons 2 Ur advantage, but also with great care. These people are highly adaptable. Given the 
opportunity, they will remember Ur tactics and use them against U later. If U let them...they will do the only thing they know how 2 do...continue 2 grow. And continue 2 grow they will...until its 2 late 4 us 2 do anything!
been known 2 break family heirlooms and scream at the top of their lungs 4 hours at a time 4 no good reason. 4tunately, it is during this stage of their development that they are most vulnerable. They are easily distracted by Elmo, the Teletubbies and The Pokey Little Puppy. Use these weapons 2 Ur advantage, but also with great care. These people are highly adaptable. Given the 
opportunity, they will remember Ur tactics and use them against U later. If U let them...they will do the only thing they know how 2 do...continue 2 grow. And continue 2 grow they will...until its 2 late 4 us 2 do anything!It is up 2 U not 2 let that happen. The very fate of the world rests in Ur hands. Good luck...and Godspeed!
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